Friday, January 15, 2010

You Live, You Learn.

It was late at night and the rain didn't seem like it was gonna stop anytime soon. Looking out the window, I let the sound of the hard droplets tapping against the roof lead my mind astray - and it wasn't long before I was staring into the darkness that seemed so peaceful.

I shook my head to snap out of that dull and numbing state of mind - it felt good to release your problems for even just a moment and at the same time it made you feel wrong for doing what seemed like a momentary surrender. Everything seemed to be engraved in stone, though. I knew that surrendering wouldn't change anything. There was no stopping my flight to Malaysia.

I knew that I would finish packing that night, so I invited a few of my friends over to keep me company. As soon as the packing was finished, there would have been nothing left to do. Nothing. I dreaded the thought of laying in my bed trying to sleep, like trying to put out a flame with lighter fluid. I knew sleeping was one step away from impossible in a situation of that sort.

We didn't sleep. We played computer games, we went on Facebook, and we browsed Youtube for hours. My friends lifted the heavy feeling that had been enveloping me. I was relieved, even for at least a little while, I felt comfortable. That 'little while' came to an abrupt end when the darkness outside became a very pale, grayish and silent shade of blue. The sun was rising, but the thick clouds still had not ceased to spray the land. We said our farewells, and I couldn't help but to keep smiling. I think I had triggered some sort of defense mechanism programmed in me to prevent me from breaking down. I'll never forget that night.

They left. I stayed. I hated that soon it would be the other way around. I don't remember much about the trip to the airport. I was either asleep or spacing out the entire trip. It turns out that when you're already sleep deprived, staying up for an entire night won't do you any good.

We arrived at the airport and I awoke to a terrible hangover. Me and my friends didn't drink that night, but it felt like a bottle of vodka and a flight of stairs. I was with my mother, my friend, his mother, and three other people that would soon be my schoolmates. Airports are places that you should avoid when you're experiencing post depression stress, just a note. The flight was one of the better things about the trip because it allowed me to sleep peacefully for a good hour and a half. Soon enough, we landed and started getting off board. I felt much better. I felt like I successfully released all the negativity in me. Hey, I was in a new country - why not make a fresh start? Ah, yes. A clean slate sounded very appealing.

This was it. It was an opportunity to re stabilize and keep it that way. I didn't know if I would succeed or how long I could hold up but there was one thing that I was sure of: I wasn't going to stay down anymore.

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